Mixed Dancing

When I read this interesting post from Jewish Atheist http://jewishatheist.blogspot.com/, he touches on alot of issues. It really takes a momentous occasion like a wedding to bring out all the conflicts between the frum and no longer frum.

JA and his fiancee, want mixed dancing, and I thought I would share the following experience .

I have went to countless simchas with separate dancing, doing the male shuffle. Either Type 1 where you hold hands and circle at varying speeds, Type 2 you put hands on shoulders and circle at varying speeds, Type 3 you just mesh in clashes of body and sweat. Of course this was all done with great happines and ruach. While At the same time on the other side of the mechitza, the women were doing their orderly circles and neat straight lines. And of course you have all the shtick (party tricks/accessories) to add some color to the occassion.

Anyway, my family and I were invited to a conservadox simcha recently, where they had mixed dancing! And you know what for the first time ever at a simcha I danced in a circle while holding my wife's hand and my child's in the other, now that was simcha!! We never as a family have danced together in a circle holding hands. It was a special experience and I feel compelled to let people know that yes, there is something missing from separate dancing, which you lose out at frum affairs. Families dancing together is an expression of love, closeness and sharing.

And I dont care how many 18 year old yeshiva bochurim show to dance up a storm, for the members of the family, what they really want is to dance together.

The conversation

It was inevitable. The jig is up. The old friend "Yaakov", who I spent time in shiur with has directly confronted me and wants to know what is going on with me. We used to get up early to learn gemara, spent time socially, and were members of the same shul.

We sat down for the one-on-one conversation to find out why or where have I strayed. I must admit I am a coward and have hid my orthopraxy for many years from him, but I finally came clean, cold turkey.

Yaakov knows his stuff, smart guy, years in yeshiva, and has a successful business of his own making. Now he want answers. Unfortunately after many years on this journey, my answers come so fast and convincing that there really is no contest. Yaakov afterall is not a kiruv professional, and has never really spent that much time pondering these questions. I kind of regret the conversation because Yaakov is my friend and showing the extent of my disbelief might have been hurtful, sometimes honesty isnt the best policy.

Yaakov - you dont believe in the torah, that it was given by god?
me- i launch into documentary hypothesis, text does not work, see parshas noach etc. i dont see how we can be doresh halachos from slight changes in the text , its all man-made.

Yaakov - but everyone acknowledges that it is given by god, not only jews
me- but on that premise, everyone, those 2 bn people, believe in christianity or islam not judaism,

Yaakov - but you dont think there is something unique about the Jews, look at the state of Israel and our role in history? I agree we are special, and we have lots of talent, the same way Kenyans are with running, but Einstein wasnt Einstein because he shteiged gemara, and my journey is actually very Jewish, a guy named Spinoza said the same things as me 300 years ago and so do the majority of jews in the world

Yaakov concedes to me that a rav is just someone who is expert in shulchan aruch, and is an ordinary mortal, no metaphysical powers or insights.

I tell him people are tribal and need the authority figure to follow and be beholden to, autonomy, or rather halachic autonomy is a four letter word in OJ.

Yaakov then tells me that I should know there are a few others like me, who he has noticed that despite going to shul on shabbos, dont really seem to be all that frum to him. I dont say, "you religous people are really so judgemental." but in truth wonder who are the perpetrators.

I remember the days when i felt like i was punching a clock upon entering the shul, the days when i was given "the look" for walking in unreasonably late to davening, or the rising tension from irritable men who want to get their daily ablutions over with asap.

I tell him its all about faith, there is no proof of god or what happens after we die, all of the worlds religons are just ways of addressing this human need for an answer to these questions. Everyone is just guessing. There is no objective proof. But as Jews we must be familiar with the ways of our tradition in this quest, and recognize the wealth and wisdom of our mesora, or our approach, but it is no way, by definition truer than other religons.

So orthopraxers', you might try the "kugel " arguments - the kugel is warm and crispy (OJ lifestyle is attractive) or james kugel http://www.jameskugel.com/critic.php fluffy version, but many of us have a problems with the mitzvas or deeds of OJ and do not find spirituality anymore from it. This leads us to search for spirituality in many places outside of the shul/beis midrash and less tolerance for fundies.

Aish and me

Now I must admit that I have alot of good things to say about Aish. I even attended a few shiurim from Aish superstars and was suitably impressed and entertained. I enjoyed reading their websites for many years. I even donated money online regularly as I realized that their stories were much more inspirational than anything going on at my local orthodox shul. I know many former BT's have isssues with Aish and its missionary tactics. Well it has an agenda and it is kind of clear to anyone who spends time with them, but at least their material is well marketed and presented.

That being said I came across this video by a Rabbi whom I highly respect(ed), and I guess am just concerned about how flimsy his arguments were.

Did I become more intelligent?

http://www.aish.com/literacy/concepts/Why_Investigate_Judaism_First0.asp

His arguments started as follows:

Why choose Judaism?

First using Occams' razor, monotheism beats out all polytheism, so lets filter out all polytheistic religons

Second, once we are narrowed down to monothiestic religons, Judaism is the oldest, older than Christianity and Islam. But both believe Christians and Muslims believe in Jewish bible and their scriptures refer to it, therefore we have the general agreement of the world's 2-3bn other monotheists.

Third, Judaism is very accessible, not secretive, lots of publications in all languages and encourages study.

Fourth, Judaism does not ask its adherents to give up their minds, rather its based on reason and logic

Fifth, your soul is Jewish, which will most be finely tuned to Judaism

Sixth, Judaism makes a claim to absolute truth as opposed to a lifestyle or nirvana

I wont insult my readers by rebutting this, you are welcome to do so in aish comments.

XGH or XXX

As a continuation of my conversation with my newly orthoprax friend, I made the following comment to him

" your wife would probably prefer you spend your time on porn sites than on apikorus sites "

And I think this is very true.

You can do the quick comparison of XXX versus XGH (being used here as a catchall phrase to include skeptic blogging, reading, and commenting).


XXX is for fantasy, XGH is real

XXX takes a few minutes of your time, XGH can be an hour a day, hundreds of hours yearly

XXX leaves you relaxed and of clear mind, XGH leaves you more confused or conflicted in perpetual angst

XXX can be easily forgiven as a sin of human weakness, XGH is deliberate, ( Yehuda versus this weeks villain Korach!)

XXX is anonymous, XGH puts you in danger of being outed

However both have the same core chracteristic of trying to revolve around the same old central subject from every angle possible (!) while trying to keep readers titillated by fresh and new perspectives on it לא ראי זה כראי זה ולא ראי זה כראי זה; הצד השוה שבהן

Feel free to add more in comments...

Advice to the newly orthoprax

My journey began many years ago and was greatly assisted by veteran bloggers listed on the sidebar. I am humbled by their analysis, insights, wit and prose. I barely have time to read all of the blogs, especially XGH's ups and downs. Likewise to find a private place to write is also not so simple.

I can only share what is personal to me in hope of helping others out there who are on the road less taken.

I think the biggest myth of orthopraxy is that it can be a steady state or a way of life, on similar footing to orthodoxy. Orthopraxy is living the frum lifestyle for convenience purposes while not having belief in the underlying theology. It means following rituals and halacha for other peoples sake. In my case it is for my spouse and children who are frum. The question is, is orthopraxy an option? is it sustainable?

Of course it depends on circumstances.

The idea for the post stems from a friend who is also married with kids, and has picked up on my orthopraxy. He asked to borrow a very not-kosher book from me, and I was hesitant. Why, because it is clear to me that after you have read a few of these books your life can change dramatically.

Orthopraxy is difficult. You are living by other peoples approval. You are scared to act or behave the way you believe. You are forced to sit hours of your life through rituals which are meaningless to you. Your social circle will only be people like you. You condemn your children to follow the same heavily proscribed lifestyle, while your hard earned money goes to pay for th indoctrination of the minutuae of halacha and perpetuation of the lifestyle. This is just the externalities.

Internally you are the new marrano, attending synagouge under the watchful eye of the Rabbi, who dutily registers you timeliness and attendance. You must keep your headcovering in place, ensure your daughters are modest, your sons pious.

But, late at night, on your own, behind closed doors, you bask in the dark to worship the blue light of the computer screen, dwelling in forbidden texts and conversatins, seeking kindred sprits, who are on the same journey, exploring the mystery of their born-into-religons, the universe and the complexity of human nature.

So my answer to my friend is, I do not want to become the cause of your divorce and your children's pain.

Piss off.

And in the words of Jethro Tull

And as you cross the circle line, the ice-wall creaks behind ---Youre a rabbit on the run

Run, man, run.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDosgkws0-c

Where it all goes wrong

At around this time in the yearly parsha cycle, the torah begins to get very messy. All through Berishis everything flows in a somewhat choronological order, with the story centering on Avraham and his decendents and culminating with Yetzias Mitzrayim.

When we get to parshas Yisro, Mishpatim, everything goes a bit hairy. Now I have learned chumash for many years with mifarshim and somehow I accepted that אין מוקדם או מאוחר בתורה and of course the various intricate pshatim. While I am not a big Documentary Hypothesis person, (see Little Foxling's blog http://littlefoxling.blogspot.com/ for an extensive study of DH) probably because I do Gemara, not tanach, but the big picture issues are very much a problem. Last shabbas, for example at the end of mishpatim, all of sudden the commandments are given again. And how or when were the laws of mishpatim given? Were the Jews already having Jewish slaves so soon after slavery? I get alot of these bigger picture questions every time I look at the parsha from a macro perspective, and avoid the rashi/textual analysis. I am well aware that a good parsha shiur can link everything together in beautiful tapestry interweaving different themes and p'sukim. And I can appreciate and enjoy that. But it is not sufficient. It is just human artistry.

My real question is one posed by XGH more eloquently (could not find it in archives) about why didnt God give us a user manual to ourselves and the world around us. Why is the torah missing explanations for the universe, olam habaa, suffering, etc. Many big theological topics are totally left out of the torah, while extensive detail is given to others. For the next few weeks we will read in exhaustive detail the bits and pieces of the mishkan. I am sorry but most of this is totally useless information for the Jewish people, it is not timeless. One might argue that by focusing on irrelevant knowledge it might have given us the ability to think theoretically and prepared us for the knowledge economy. Or perhaps this helped us fight persecutions and assimilation. If you believe that the torah is the be all and end all, so why is it missing so many important topics and lacking in editorial control?

Modernity and Orthodoxy

One of the books that I have read at the beginning of my journey was "As a Driven Leaf" by Milton Steinberg. If you have not read it, then read it. In the meantime have a peruse through some of the reviews at Amazon, http://www.amazon.com/As-Driven-Leaf-Milton-Steinberg/dp/189307904X to give you an idea.

"As a Driven Leaf", is a sourcebook for Reconstructionist Judasim (Rabbi Mordechai Kaplan). As a FFB I was brought up to believe that the Reform and Conservative are evil and they have caused a spiritual annhilation of the Jewish people. We were taught that it is forbidden to enter their temples, and of course to attend their services. Having dabbled a bit, I think their theology is far more convincing, but in practice, their communities and lifestyles are just not comparable to an FFB "Jewish" experience.

One issue that Steinberg brings up is what happens when formerly frum raise their children as skeptics. The protagonist of the novel wanted to make sure that his child was free of jewish guilt and psychosis and was able to be a true Greek, albeit at a steep price.

The conflict with modernity is the eternal problem of Judaism. MO claims it is possible to achieve synthesis. Torah and Madah, yadda, yadda. There is a tremendous amount of literature explaining how it is possible to maintain the delicate balancing act. The apologetics rival the Christian trinity logic. On the other hand, my chareidi Rabbi once told me that if you stand in the middle of the road you get run over. As a frum skeptic it is in some ways easy to be able to cross to either side of the road, as you have the strong Jewish background, but are also a free thinker, and can feel comfortable in both worlds. Who cares if it makes you bi-polar.

But how about the next generation. If you raise your children as skeptic non believers then you have basically stopped the Jewish line, for better or worse. I am not sure how much I believe in the guilt argument about how our forefathers sacrificed so much just to see you throw it all away. An interesting case study is Alan Dershowitz, who is FFB, went to YU, and is the champion of Jewish causes yet has numerous non-Jewish grandchildren. Alternatively, raise children frum, let them be able to know their heritage, master jewish texts, and let them live in a life of blissful faith. If they become skeptic, so be it, at least they know how to shake a lulav.